You would think that by going from four kids to two, I would have all the time in the world to blog, run errands, clean, and maybe even shower. Ummm, you would be wrong. The honeymoon is over and we are in the thick of messy adoption drama. I cannot even begin to count the times I have said, “I don’t know what we would do if we still had all four.” A quick update on our foster babies: they are now home with mom and baby brother. I received a text message literally five seconds ago from their mom, with a picture of their precious, smiling faces!
We were given ample “warning” about our girl’s behavior, everything the kids have been through, and several five-inch binders filled with medical paperwork. I placed the binders on a shelf along with all of the insight and advice from our agency, CPS, and the previous foster family. All these kids need is love and permanency, I was not buying in to anything else. We were all happy as clams, no real behavior issues to speak of and she was doing great in school, looks to me like I was right. Well, that lasted for about a month until the bottom fell out and it was time to get real.
I allowed myself to believe that our little guy’s behavior had improved drastically since our foster kids were moved, well duh, there was no one here for him to hit, bite, or push anymore. The issue was not that he was aggressive with us, the issue was with other kids, and the kids he beat up on aren’t here anymore. Don’t even get me started on the tantrums. His behavior has improved but we still have a long way to go. Our princess uses lying as a defense mechanism. For a five year old she is very “street smart.” She had to be, it was her responsibility to take care of herself and her baby brother. Lying is her go to response when she feels she is on the spot. If little brother gets hurt, no matter what happened she assumes she will be blamed, so even if it was his fault she will lie to protect herself. My favorite to date is when she told me that Diamond (her two foot tall plastic horse) hit him. Really, sister? It is exhausting and draining. After she has served her time for whatever offense she has committed, it always ends with her in a ball, on my lap, sobbing, and asking if I still love her and if I will still love her forever. It is a punch in the gut every time and a strong dose of perspective. She does not understand that our love for her is unconditional. In her mind, every time she messes up she is one step closer to the door.
So, how do we handle it? We choose our battles and assure them of our love, to the point that some days I feel like if I say I love you one more time, I will break out in a big-purple-dinosaur-like song. I find myself saying, "okay, how big of a deal is this really?" It has been a year since we began this process and we thought that everything leading up to this was the hard part; the waiting, the good byes, and the uncertainty. The truth is, this is the hard stuff, parenting them through the brokenness for the rest of our lives is the hard part. We have a lifetime of hurt and abandonment to heal, which is impossible, only God can truly heal their little hearts.
