There was a court hearing yesterday for little brother and
both parents’ rights were terminated. We’re not really sure how to feel about
it, our feelings and emotions about him being placed here and now quickly
moving toward adoption have not at all been what we expected. I think part of
it is that we were not seeking to go through all of this again. Our hearts and
minds were not open and waiting for a placement like they were three years ago.
We were thrown into the deep end and we’ve just been trying to keep our heads above
water.
The other times we have gone through this process we had a period of
waiting and then when the kids were finally here we were so happy to have them
for however long it would be. To be honest, this time we have felt inconvenienced
and for me, actually sad and angry about it. I have mourned what our life was
like and future plans we were making that we aren’t sure are possible anymore.
All of these crazy feelings have affected my attitude in general and our bond
with him. It has been three months and it still feels like we are babysitting,
we have not bonded with him the way we did with all of the other kids we
fostered, which makes all of this so much harder. We keep saying to each other,
don’t worry it will happen, but then find ourselves having the same
conversation a few weeks later. After hearing what happened at court yesterday I
didn’t feel happy, excited, or relieved, I felt so sad for him and stressed
that we have an unthinkable decision to make.
In two weeks I have to take him
for a farewell visit and because of circumstances neither one of his parents
will be there, it will be a family member that he doesn’t really know and a
friend of his mom’s. What in the world! I cannot even begin to make sense of
any of this. The only real family he has are his brother and sister which puts
us in the most unbelievable situation.
We trust God in all of this and are
praying for clarity and for true love and affection toward this sweet little
boy. We set out on this journey three years ago because we felt God calling us
to it. We have felt Him and had assurance through all of it. We will continue
to give it to Him and trust that He will guide us.
