So Many Emotions

There was a court hearing yesterday for little brother and both parents’ rights were terminated. We’re not really sure how to feel about it, our feelings and emotions about him being placed here and now quickly moving toward adoption have not at all been what we expected. I think part of it is that we were not seeking to go through all of this again. Our hearts and minds were not open and waiting for a placement like they were three years ago. We were thrown into the deep end and we’ve just been trying to keep our heads above water.

The other times we have gone through this process we had a period of waiting and then when the kids were finally here we were so happy to have them for however long it would be. To be honest, this time we have felt inconvenienced and for me, actually sad and angry about it. I have mourned what our life was like and future plans we were making that we aren’t sure are possible anymore. All of these crazy feelings have affected my attitude in general and our bond with him. It has been three months and it still feels like we are babysitting, we have not bonded with him the way we did with all of the other kids we fostered, which makes all of this so much harder. We keep saying to each other, don’t worry it will happen, but then find ourselves having the same conversation a few weeks later. After hearing what happened at court yesterday I didn’t feel happy, excited, or relieved, I felt so sad for him and stressed that we have an unthinkable decision to make.

In two weeks I have to take him for a farewell visit and because of circumstances neither one of his parents will be there, it will be a family member that he doesn’t really know and a friend of his mom’s. What in the world! I cannot even begin to make sense of any of this. The only real family he has are his brother and sister which puts us in the most unbelievable situation.

We trust God in all of this and are praying for clarity and for true love and affection toward this sweet little boy. We set out on this journey three years ago because we felt God calling us to it. We have felt Him and had assurance through all of it. We will continue to give it to Him and trust that He will guide us.