So Many Emotions

There was a court hearing yesterday for little brother and both parents’ rights were terminated. We’re not really sure how to feel about it, our feelings and emotions about him being placed here and now quickly moving toward adoption have not at all been what we expected. I think part of it is that we were not seeking to go through all of this again. Our hearts and minds were not open and waiting for a placement like they were three years ago. We were thrown into the deep end and we’ve just been trying to keep our heads above water.

The other times we have gone through this process we had a period of waiting and then when the kids were finally here we were so happy to have them for however long it would be. To be honest, this time we have felt inconvenienced and for me, actually sad and angry about it. I have mourned what our life was like and future plans we were making that we aren’t sure are possible anymore. All of these crazy feelings have affected my attitude in general and our bond with him. It has been three months and it still feels like we are babysitting, we have not bonded with him the way we did with all of the other kids we fostered, which makes all of this so much harder. We keep saying to each other, don’t worry it will happen, but then find ourselves having the same conversation a few weeks later. After hearing what happened at court yesterday I didn’t feel happy, excited, or relieved, I felt so sad for him and stressed that we have an unthinkable decision to make.

In two weeks I have to take him for a farewell visit and because of circumstances neither one of his parents will be there, it will be a family member that he doesn’t really know and a friend of his mom’s. What in the world! I cannot even begin to make sense of any of this. The only real family he has are his brother and sister which puts us in the most unbelievable situation.

We trust God in all of this and are praying for clarity and for true love and affection toward this sweet little boy. We set out on this journey three years ago because we felt God calling us to it. We have felt Him and had assurance through all of it. We will continue to give it to Him and trust that He will guide us.  

How's it going?

On a daily basis we hear, “How’s it going?” “How’s life with four kids?” “Has everyone adjusted?” In the interest of time our answers are, “We’re good!” “We’re all adjusting.” “It’s busy!” So here’s the truth, it’s HARD! It has been by far the most difficult thing we have done, harder than any placement we have ever had.

 

Two weeks in we quit. We all quit. I called the caseworker and told her we feel terrible about this but you need to find another place for him. The fighting between he and Reese was like nothing I have ever seen, it was constant, aggressive and loud. I felt like I wasn’t giving anyone what they needed. I was breaking up fights, putting kids in time out, trying to teach a two year old how to be in a family all while either holding a baby or letting him cry in his jumper. Lanae started having issues at school and at home old behaviors we had worked through were coming back. Everyone was struggling and we felt like he needed to be in a family without other kids or with older kids so the focus could really be on him. We tried and it was too much.

 

As hard as I tried I could not find peace in our decision. I prayed so desperately to have peace about it, for God to let us know that this was the right decision and it just wasn’t happening. I was so torn. Every time I looked at his little face I wanted to cry and sometimes I did. As I was wrestling with myself over this a sweet friend texted to see how we were doing. I laid it all out for her and she offered to take on so much of it for us and she said she would pray for God’s will to be clear so that we would have peace. That was it for me, I knew that He was telling me to keep going but I didn’t want to. I knew He would get us through this, but I was done. I felt like my life had been hijacked and I wanted it back.

 

It’s been a little over a month and little man is still here. We recommitted and have already seen growth all around. We realized that we were expecting way too much out of everyone. This little guy went from being an only child to one of four and he came from a home without stability or structure. We gave Reese a little brother eight months ago and now we’ve given him another one. He has to share his room, his toys, his clothes and his family. That’s a lot to ask of a four year old, especially overnight.

 

It is still hard but we feel like we have turned a corner. Some days are harder than others but at this point there are more good days than bad.

 

Brotherly Love

Last night I read through all of my previous blog posts and relived our foster and adoption journey, it’s hard to believe that my last post was over a year ago and we had just announced that we were pregnant. Griffin was born in June and we have just been enjoying this phase of life.

 

Just as we have all adjusted and become comfortable in this new phase we received a phone call last week that has shaken everything up. CPS called and asked if we would be interested in taking Lanae and Reese’s biological brother. We have known about him from the beginning, he was born the month before they came to us. He is now two and a half and in CPS custody. I of course was shocked by the phone call and immediately started thinking there is no way we can take in a two year old right now. I called Eric at work and he said the exact same thing, I asked him to pray about it and we could talk more when he got home. I texted two of my girlfriends, called my mom and still had no idea what to do.  I just started to pray, as I prayed the tears started to flow. Eric called back and said, we have to, and all I could say was, I  know. What it really came down to was that all of the reasons we had to say no were about us. If we said no, would we be able to tell Lanae and Reese one day that we turned their little brother away because it was going to be too hard.  No way!

It is very early in the case and we have no idea how it will turn out. We are no longer licensed to foster, we will be taking him in as a kinship placement because he is joining biological siblings. There is a court hearing on Tuesday and we will know more then. We found out today that he is in a shelter so we are all anxious to get him out of there and home with us as soon as possible. I really can’t believe that we are going through this crazy process again, we are following God’s lead and trusting in Him.

 

 

Our Three Little Miracles

I have had this blog post swirling around in my head for three months and I have gone back and forth with whether or not to even post it, but I feel like it is worth saying. So here goes...

 It has been a year and four months since our sweet babies came home and I am now fifteen weeks pregnant. We are over the moon and we know that God’s timing is always perfect. We have just recently started to share our exciting news and Eric and I continue to hear time and time again, “that’s what happens, you adopt and then you get pregnant.” Let me just say I know that everyone who has said this to us means well, I know that. But I can’t help but let it get to me a little.

 People adopt for many reasons and honestly, I am for the orphan so whatever the reason may be doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t think anyone’s reason to adopt is better or more valid than anyone else’s. Our decision to adopt had nothing to do with fertility or lack of it. Adoption was also not a second choice or last resort for us. We feel that God called us to adopt. He began stirring in my heart first and worked on us for several years before we finally listened. As you can imagine we had many conversations in those few years about if we should do this, if so, when, and of course how do we do this. In the beginning conversations, we thought we would try to get pregnant first and see what happened. Well to be perfectly honest I really wanted to adopt and Eric wasn’t quite sure yet so I really wasn’t all that serious about “trying to get pregnant.”

           We ultimately decided to adopt first because I felt that if we had biological children first we would end up not adopting or waiting a really long time before we did. God already knew the children he had for us to adopt and knowing our kids, the best thing for them was to come into a home where they were the only children. The transition has not been easy by any means but I believe it would have been a completely different ballgame if they would have come into a family where they felt they needed to compete for our love and attention. Our family is now in a place where everyone knows where they belong, they know they are loved and as our girl says, “they are stuck like Chuck.” Having a baby gives them another sibling, promotes little man to big brother, and multiplies our love. We do not ever want them to feel that they are loved less or less important to us because they were adopted, we also don’t want them to feel that they were our back up plan, because they weren’t.

 This is the way everything has worked out for our family. Every family is different and every adoption story is different. Children are orphaned for so many different reasons in so many different places around the world. Like all of us, their pasts are all different and they cope with what they have been through in a million different ways. We are so thankful that God knows all of their stories and puts them in the families that are just right for their individual needs. He has blessed us so abundantly already and we could not be any happier for the new addition that will join us in June.

 

 

                                    Merry Christmas from the 5 of us!

 

 

Mama Knows Best

I have a confession, before I became a parent I was one of those non-parents that judged other parents and said things like, “my child will never do that!” and “when we have kids they are going to......blah blah blah.”  I would like to take this moment to apologize for such comments and to say that I totally get it now. Sunday will mark the one year anniversary of the day Lanae and Reese came home. It has been the craziest and most amazing year of our lives, I’m pretty sure we have been through almost every human emotion possible this year. We have had awesome days where we felt like we should write a book or teach a class, and we have had days where we have simply wanted to survive the day and have the strength to start a new one. We are so very grateful for grace, forgiveness, and that God’s mercies are new everyday.

 The most important thing I have learned this year is when you have no idea what to do, pray and go with your gut. Our sweet little Reese has had us constantly looking for answers. At home he plays well with his sister and has pretty typical behaviors for a two year old. As soon as he is in a room with peers he becomes so stressed that he pushes, hits, bites and takes toys. It has taken eleven months but with the help of some amazing people we have come to the conclusion that our little guy has sensory processing issues. I have felt so relieved in knowing that there is a reason for his behavior and there are things we can do to help him.

 As of next week I will be teaching two days a week, since May we have been planning on putting Reese in a mother’s day out program. We felt like he definitely needed the social interaction and we felt he would really benefit all around. A few days ago I started to feel really uneasy about our decision, I just wasn’t sure this was what was best for him. I felt like we were setting him up for failure. We just found out about his sensory issues last month and we have not yet started the therapies to give him the tools he needs to process the things going on around him. After many tears and several long discussions we have decided that what is best for our little man is to get two days of TLC from grandma and grandpa. After a year of occupational therapy we will reevaluate.

 To all of you mamas out there, pray and go with your gut, mama knows best! What works for your best friend’s kid may not work for yours, and that’s okay. We live in an age where there is too much competition and not enough support. Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing that your two year old speaks Latin, but I’m just glad mine goes on the potty!

Death Has Lost and Love Has Won

     This weekend we celebrated a love so deep, a father would give his perfect son for a broken world. I think this kind of love and ultimate sacrifice takes on a whole new meaning once you become a parent. I have a new understanding and appreciation for God’s love for us through the love I have for my children. It is very important to us to teach our kids that the reason we celebrate Easter has everything to do with Jesus and nothing to do with bunnies and eggs. We did the egg thing because it’s fun, but Jesus is the reason and the center of the celebration and we want our kids to know that. As we reflected and celebrated the death and resurrection of our savior this weekend, I spent a lot of time reflecting on our lives and where we were exactly one year ago.   

     Exactly one year ago I was in a place I had never been before. I was in the thick of the deepest sadness I had ever felt in my life. Last year on the Thursday before Easter we were given the unbearable news that the three babies we were head over heels in love with would be leaving us that Monday. We were told to give them a good Easter and prepare to say goodbye (Here's the story.) I was in a place I had never been, I was full of sadness and anger like I had never felt before. Instead of focusing on Jesus and what he had done for me, I was focused on me and why He was doing this to us. One year later, we celebrated Jesus with our precious babies who have our last name and whom we met this same week, one year ago. The truth is, I think about our first babies every single day and I still miss them. I pray for them often, I pray that they are safe, that their needs are being met, and that they are loved. In the middle of our sadness God gave us a glimpse of His plan for us. He showed us the children that would be forever ours that week. He knew we needed time and He gave it to us, He also gave us two more foster babies to love in the mean time, and then when we were ready, He brought them home. (Home Sweet Home)

     I am thankful for the cross and our father’s love. I am thankful for this journey that God has called us to, that He has trusted us with His children and that He has been with us every step of the way. When I couldn’t do it anymore, He carried me and when I said I was done, He gave me reason to keep going.

The Next Chapter

It is FINALLY here, our adoption day is tomorrow!

It feels very surreal that this insane process will be over tomorrow. We will be done with paperwork and visits and able to focus on being a family.

We are thankful to all of our family and friends who have supported us through this journey. We are thankful to God for giving us strength, guidance, and forgiveness. We are forever grateful that He chose us to be their parents. They have had a rough start in life but He has created a beautiful story from the ashes.  

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.     Matthew 14:18  

The Perfect Christmas

            The Christmas season is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love everything about it. For some time now I have had visions (delusions) of our perfect Christmas with our perfect family. None of the lights on our house would be burned out, our tree would be evenly decorated (not just the bottom three feet), our angelic children that are a perfect mix of our best features, would wear Christmas pajamas and unwrap their perfect gifts.  Perfect, right? Not quite, the most beautiful piece of this perfect picture is missing.

            Jesus is not a piece of the story, He IS the story. This will be our first Christmas with our children, because of Him. Two children that look absolutely nothing like either one of us. Two children that are far from perfect, far from angelic, and still very broken. Our sweet girl is five and has lived in this country all five of her years, yet this is her second Christmas. All of the things I once found necessary to make the perfect Christmas, no longer matter.

This Christmas will be perfect because of Jesus. Our babies are no longer orphans, because of Him. We are no longer orphans, because of Him. Pinkalicious has been shelved and our bed time routine is filled with stories of His birth and His great love for us, because of Him.  In her bedtime prayers last night our girl thanked God that her mommy and daddy love her more than candy and she told Him she loved Him more than the sunshine, because of Him.

The lights are on the house, the tree is up, the Christmas cards are ordered and the gifts have been purchased. During this wonderful and special time of the year may we keep our eyes on the most beautiful and expensive gift of all, the One who was, and is, and is to come.

Orphaned and Abandoned

 

You would think that by going from four kids to two, I would have all the time in the world to blog, run errands, clean, and maybe even shower. Ummm, you would be wrong. The honeymoon is over and we are in the thick of messy adoption drama. I cannot even begin to count the times I have said, “I don’t know what we would do if we still had all four.”  A quick update on our foster babies: they are now home with mom and baby brother. I received a text message literally five seconds ago from their mom, with a picture of their precious, smiling faces!

We were given ample “warning” about our girl’s behavior, everything the kids have been through, and several five-inch binders filled with medical paperwork. I placed the binders on a shelf along with all of the insight and advice from our agency, CPS, and the previous foster family. All these kids need is love and permanency, I was not buying in to anything else. We were all happy as clams, no real behavior issues to speak of and she was doing great in school, looks to me like I was right. Well, that lasted for about a month until the bottom fell out and it was time to get real.

I allowed myself to believe that our little guy’s behavior had improved drastically since our foster kids were moved, well duh, there was no one here for him to hit, bite, or push anymore. The issue was not that he was aggressive with us, the issue was with other kids, and the kids he beat up on aren’t here anymore. Don’t even get me started on the tantrums. His behavior has improved but we still have a long way to go. Our princess uses lying as a defense mechanism. For a five year old she is very “street smart.” She had to be, it was her responsibility to take care of herself and her baby brother. Lying is her go to response when she feels she is on the spot. If little brother gets hurt, no matter what happened she assumes she will be blamed, so even if it was his fault she will lie to protect herself. My favorite to date is when she told me that Diamond (her two foot tall plastic horse) hit him. Really, sister? It is exhausting and draining. After she has served her time for whatever offense she has committed, it always ends with her in a ball, on my lap, sobbing, and asking if I still love her and if I will still love her forever. It is a punch in the gut every time and a strong dose of perspective. She does not understand that our love for her is unconditional. In her mind, every time she messes up she is one step closer to the door.  

So, how do we handle it? We choose our battles and assure them of our love, to the point that some days I feel like if I say I love you one more time, I will break out in a big-purple-dinosaur-like song. I find myself saying, "okay, how big of a deal is this really?" It has been a year since we began this process and we thought that everything leading up to this was the hard part; the waiting, the good byes, and the uncertainty. The truth is, this is the hard stuff, parenting them through the brokenness for the rest of our lives is the hard part. We have a lifetime of hurt and abandonment to heal, which is impossible, only God can truly heal their little hearts. 

  

Bittersweet

                                                                             
     For the past few weeks I had been planning to blog about all of the things I swore I would never do when I became a mom, and how all of that changed when I became mom to four kids under five. That blog will have to wait because of a surprise phone call I received last week. Last Wednesday, our foster babies’ CPS worker called to let me know that the judge had decided to move them to their paternal grandmother. Less than 24 hours later they were gone. We knew the day would come when they would leave our home, but we never imagined that day would come so soon. We were hoping that the next move for them would be home to their mom. Everyone involved in their case agreed that they would stay with us until their mom completed her plan, except the judge evidently. Needless to say, we were shocked and of course saddened, we love those babies and want nothing but the best for them. We have peace and comfort in knowing that we will see them again. While they were here we built a relationship with their mom, and she has assured us that she will let us know when she gets them back and we will get together to celebrate.

     If someone had told me that we would foster seven kids this year I would have laughed and let them know that they had me confused with someone else. This process is hard, heart breaking, and down right ugly. But in this mess, God has stretched us far beyond our comfortable little bubble that we had created for ourselves, and reassured us of His perfect plan and His perfect timing. We knew we would have to say goodbye to them, but we weren’t prepared for it to be so sudden. It was a tearful goodbye, and after we closed the door, and turned around, there were two more babies looking up at us who are just as broken (if not more) that need or love, attention, and reassurance that we won’t be saying goodbye to them next. When I saw the look on our princess’ face it hit me, this has happened to them three times in less than two years. In her mind she is wondering if this time will really be different. That’s when I realized it was necessary for our foster angels to go when they did, because we need this time to bond and for our forever babies to know that this is it, we aren’t going to change our minds. It has been less than a week and the difference has been remarkable. Most of the behavior issues have decreased dramatically and the bonds are growing stronger everyday.

     We have been asked several times over the past week if we are done fostering. Our answer is yes, for now. We will be a family of four until the adoption is finalized and from there we will see where God leads us. We have five months to go before it is official and we got an email from the kids’ caseworker yesterday letting us know that she will no longer be their caseworker as of October 1 because the case is being moved from foster to pre adoptive placement. Thank you Jesus!

“You came for the lost

The sick and the blind

With salvation and hope

You gave to us free so what will we do

With this treasure we hold

Let justice roll on like a river

Let mercy shine bright as the sun

Take care of the orphan and widow

Take care of our own flesh and blood

‘Cause this is the way

That You’ve called us to love

To share what we have

With the hungry and poor

Put clothes on the naked

And heal up the broken and torn

True religion”

-True Religion, Ryan Delmore

Home Sweet Home

     Alright, time to let the cat out of the bag. Tonight we had a pre placement visit with our FOREVER babies! They will be here tomorrow morning with all of their worldly possessions and in six months they will be Woolwines forever, whether they like it or not!  

     I will do my best to give you the short version of the story. Rewind back to the end of April, we had just said goodbye to our first three babies, I was an emotional wreck, and ready to throw in the towel on this whole adoption thing. I thought God had called us to do this, but I was starting to think that maybe I had heard him wrong.

     The kids left on a Monday and our agency called and asked us to go meet a couple of kids that Saturday to see if they might be a good fit for us. I wasn’t really that into it because it had only been five days since one of the worst days of my life. I agreed to do it because the parent’s rights were to be terminated the following week, which means if there isn’t a willing family member, adoption is the next step. We went and met the kids, they were adorable and sweet and we agreed to have them stay with us at our house the following weekend. The day before they were going to stay with us our agency called to say that they went to court and the parental rights were terminated, BUT the foster family decided they were going to adopt them after all. We were bummed, but at the same time, I felt a little relieved, as much as I wanted to adopt I knew my heart just wasn’t ready to jump back in yet.  

     Over the last four months we have been called or emailed about umpteen kiddos needing homes. We have said yes more than we have said no and have been turned down over and over again. Again, I was questioning whether or not I heard God correctly. On August 2nd, I received an email from our agency about two kids needing adoptive placement, when I saw their names in the subject line I nearly came out of my skin. I did not say a word, I handed the computer to Eric, he looked at me and without saying a word he picked up the phone and called our agency.

     Turns out the family decided not to adopt after all. We found out last Friday that our homestudy had been approved, they were here for a few hours tonight, and tomorrow morning they will be here forever. I cannot even begin to list all of the ways that we have seen God’s hand in this story. We feel that when we met them the first time he was giving us a glimpse of what was to come. He knew I wasn’t there yet but he said look what I have for you, when you’re ready. Last week we found out that before we even knew these kids were going to be moved the other foster family had already given our name to CPS as a possible placement. They were working on getting them here and we had no idea.

     Needless to say, it will be a circus around here for the next few months. We still have our two foster babies so we will have four kids under the age of five until it is time for our sweet foster babies to return home.

    
He is father to fatherless and two more orphans have found their earthly mommy and daddy because of Him. Oh happy day!     

Shhhh............they're sleeping!

     It has been a rough few weeks but I am happy to report that progress is being made! We were definitely not prepared for the behavior issues we have had this time around. I fully expected these two to be a piece of cake, two kids are easier than three, right? WRONG!!! The first two weeks were especially difficult because we had to figure out which behaviors were typical, toddler-pushing-the-limits stuff and which behaviors were stemming from traumatized babies in an unfamiliar place. By some of the looks they gave us I know they were thinking where are we, who are these weirdos, why does that woman insist on putting those stupid bows in my hair, and why are they telling us what to do? In her 20 months and his 3 years we are the fourth set of "parents" they have lived with. The first few days we worked mostly on building trust. Once they realized they were safe and loved it was time to lay down the law. This included tons of time outs, a place all your own to scream to your little heart's content (FYI: while in the car rolling the windows down and turning the radio up stops the screaming instantly!), a lock on the toy box (you WILL take a nap!), etc.

     Although it has been a rough road so far, seeing the progress they have already made has been oh so rewarding. When our little buddy boy got here he was saying one to two words and a speech evaluation was already set up to address CPS concerns. He is now (without speech therapy) putting six to seven words together. His progress has been awesome and exhausting!

He follows me around most of the day and it sounds a little something like this:
I: "Mama"
I: "Mama"
I: "Mama"
I: "Maaaaammmmmmaaaaaaa!"
Me: "What Buddy?"
I: "What are you doing?"
I: "Cooking?" "Going potty?" (standing outside the bathroom door) "Washing dishes?" (the list goes on)
Me: "Yes"
I: "Oh"

     He has also learned how to answer questions instead of just repeating the last two words of the question we ask him. Last night I asked him, "How many times do I have to ask you to stop doing that before you actually stop?" His response: "Two!" If only that were true. Little sister is getting the hang of using words instead of pointing and screaming and is also answering questions. This morning when I picked her up out of her crib I asked, "Are you going to be a good girl today?" Her response: "Nooooo." Awesome, thanks for the heads up! I do however appreciate her honesty!

The next task to tackle? Potty training a 3 year old! Lord, help me!

Round 2

     Here we go again! Tonight we were placed with two more little angels, a three year old little boy and his eighteen month old sister.

     Over the past two months we have had many calls for placements, we have turned down a few but for the most part we have said yes and then the placement has fallen through for whatever reason. We were really upset after our first kiddos left and we had to think long and hard about what to do next. I was totally over foster, it is way too hard for me and I am just not strong enough to handle all of the emotion that goes with it. Eric was still willing to foster but I said, no way no how, we were only going to accept foster to adopt placements. Well, that lasted a couple of weeks before God reminded me who was in control. I realized that I had built walls around my heart in an attempt to protect myself from being hurt again. By doing that I was thinking only of myself. I was not thinking about the kids out there who need us and I wasn't thinking about how my husband felt either. I made a decision for all of us, and that was that. I was trying to take control instead of letting God lead me. The walls came down and we jumped in blind, we knew nothing about these kids, not even their names, until they got here tonight. This is a foster placement, we will not be adopting these kiddos. We know this up front, unlike last time where we were told over and over again that we probably would adopt them. I can't go too much into the family situation but their mother is very young, she loves her kids, she just does not have the support she needs to care for them right now. We don't know how long we will have these babies, we just hope to be a blessing not only to them but to their mother as well.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.      Jeremiah 29:11

He called us to do this, He didn't say it would be easy.

              It has been a while since my last update, I wish I didn’t have time to do this now, but unfortunately I do. We had our sweet babies for three weeks before they were placed with a relative. It has been extremely hard on us; actually it has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. They left us eight days ago, the first few days I really didn’t know how we were going to get through it. I wish I could say that we knew this was what was best for them and that made it easier for us, but it didn’t. I also wish I could say, I stayed strong in my faith and never questioned God, nope I didn’t do that either.  I could not for the life of me make any sense of it, they were here for three weeks, they were perfect, and we were told time and time again that there was little to no chance of them going anywhere else. Why was this happening and what were we supposed to do now? I felt like there was no way I could ever go through this again, I was done. We tried, it didn’t work out the way WE wanted it to, sorry God but that’s it for me.  As I am letting Eric know of my decision, he of course is trying to convince me otherwise. In tough situations I am typically the strong one while he is much more sensitive and emotional (sorry babe, but you know it’s true). He reminded me that God called us to do this and He has a plan for the kids, and for us. He goes on to remind me of all of the other hurting children out there and the dreams he’s been having about all of the kids in the children’s shelter. Instead of listening to him and letting him be strong for me and help me through this, I was just annoyed! Who did he think he was, and why was he not as miserable as I was?

After some intense prayer and reflection I knew he was right. I still don’t understand why everything is unfolding the way it is, but I know that one day I will. Eric and I know that God has called us to do this but what I had forgotten is that He never promised that it would be easy.  While they were with us we loved them as our own, they were never foster kids to us, they were ours. Our hope and our prayer is that their relatives love them as much as we do. God does not make mistakes, everything He does is perfect and part of His plan, as hard as this is for us sometimes, it is also very comforting.

While it is difficult to think about moving on, we have to. I came across this the other day and it reminded me of why we have to do this “if only 6% of Christ followers adopted, the world’s orphanages would be empty.” Last weekend we met two more sweet little angels who need us. They will stay with us this weekend and we will decide how to move forward from there.

“I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.” Matthew 25:40

We are so thankful to our family, friends, and church family who have prayed for us and been there for us every step of the way, we cannot imagine going through this without all of you.

This is what started the healing process for me:

“ Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer-who trust beyond hope when all means have failed. 

Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights-and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail-His love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.”

Ready or Not Here We Go!!!

WOW! What a week it has been.  Our caseworker called last week to let us know we were officially licensed, while on the phone with her she gave me a list of six different sibling groups that were in a children’s shelter. As she was telling me what she knew about each group I felt an immediate connection to one of the groups and I felt that God was putting them on my heart. I couldn’t explain the feeling and I still can’t, but I knew we were supposed to bring these kids home.

            Eric and I had agreed that we would take up to two kids if it meant keeping siblings together. Well, the group I felt so strongly about was a group of three. At first Eric was reluctant and who can blame him. We would be going from 0 to 3 kids in what seemed like a matter of seconds. Oh, and did I mention they are all under the age of 3? Yep, two and a half year old twins and a nine week old baby boy. We talked about it for a couple of days and decided to go for it. April 11th would be the day we would be getting them so we started preparing the best we knew how, which included a lot of shopping! Our agency called on Friday, April 1st to ask if we could take them any sooner, if not they would probably have to go somewhere else. Without hesitation we said, absolutely! They would be here Monday, April 4th. We were excited, anxious, and extremely overwhelmed.

            Yesterday evening we met the twins for the first time. Unfortunately, the baby is in the hospital so we have not met him yet. Our first night was very smooth, they settled in very quickly, and it almost seemed like we had all been together for months. They are absolutely precious and we can’t wait to see what God’s plan is for them. We don’t know how long we will have them but we will love them and do anything we can for them for however long God wants us to.

My mother-in-law sent this to us and it sums up why we feel called to do what we are doing:

Gracious and Loving God,

You are the Great Foster Parent,

When we were lost, orphaned, and alone,

You found a way to make us your children.

Thank You.

Each and every day, You “foster” us into being a people

who reflect your Spirit to the world.

Thank You.

Foster in us those qualities that You so richly

pour out on us;

You are loving.

Help us to show unconditional love

to the children You have placed in our care.

You are patient.

Help us to be patient even when we despair

of seeing progress.

God,

You are kind.

Help us to always be full of kindness with a

gentle and firm hand.

Most of all, God,

You are faithful.

You never give up on us,

even when we blow it.

When we are hurting You are always there.

Help us to be like You;

May we never give up on our children.

God,

You showed how much You honor foster parents

by giving your only Son into the care of Mary and Joseph

who helped raise him to be the man You wished him to be.

Thank You.

And thank You for allowing us to be a part of helping

children discover your purpose for their lives.

We ask for your blessing upon the food.

When so many the world over are hungry,

help us to be grateful and generous.

As we celebrate together today,

we look forward to the day when all

of your children will be safe, healthy, and

can truly live in that wonderful place

all of us long for, that is known simply as “Home.”

In your precious and holy Name, we pray.

Amen

Patience is a Virtue

     During our first training class we decided that we wanted to finish our part of the process as quickly as possible. Within a month of applying with our agency we had finished all of our training classes, we completed the mountain of paperwork, we had TB tests done, we were FBI fingerprinted, we were CPR and first aid certified, and our home had passed a fire and a health inspection. We were feeling great about checking everything off the list so quickly and being that much closer to bringing our baby home. The final step before being licensed by the state was our homestudy.

     When I first heard about the homestudy, I have to admit, I was a little nervous. In my mind the caseworker would come in, interrogate us, find all of the reasons we would not be good parents, and the process would end there, dramatic, I know, but that was the visual I had. Since we had completed everything else so quickly, we fully anticipated having our homestudy done by Christmas, unfortunately, this was not the case. For the first time throughout the entire process we seemed to be at a stand still and my patience quickly became non-existent. I just could not wrap my mind around the fact that our hearts and our home were ready and there was no reason that our child should have to spend one more second in the environment they were in. I tried to remind myself that we were not in control and the timing was not up to us. I know that this is God's plan and not ours, but it was difficult for me to let go of my agenda and my time frame, I felt completely helpless. After a few weeks of feeling this way, I realized that my impatience was showing a lack of trust in His plan. A few weeks ago a friend who is much wiser than I am, said to me, "maybe your baby isn't born yet." It hit me like a ton of bricks, she was right, there is no way for us to understand God's plan for us because we aren't supposed to understand, it is too big for us to even begin to comprehend. I mean seriously, it had only been four and a half months, it was time for me to let go and chill out!

     I wish I could say that through my revelation my impatience was gone, unfortunately, my patience is still very much a work in progress. I was able to handle it much better with subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) reminders from my sweet husband, it was also encouraging to talk with friends who have already been through the process as well as friends that are at the same point we are. It was good to know that I was not the only one who felt this way.

     Two weeks ago, I received a message from our agency saying they were ready to schedule our homestudy. All of the nervousness I had felt before turned into excitement. Through my excitement I had another realization, maybe I actually needed this "gift of time" I had been given so that He could prepare me even more for what was to come. I still felt a little nervous, but it was more of an excited kind of nervous. I was no longer worried about the caseworker trying to find reasons we couldn't or shouldn't be parents, because she is trying to achieve the same goal we are, to provide a loving home for a child that needs one. I quickly called the agency back to set a date, the caseworker I spoke with said they had several homestudies scheduled in the coming weeks and they would call us back to schedule ours in the next two to three weeks. My initial reaction was "two to three weeks, are you kidding me?" I called Eric and  he helped me to put it into perspective, at least we were making progress and moving forward. I hate to admit it but he was right again! An hour later our agency called back to ask if we would be ready for our homestudy the following week instead of the two to three weeks they had mentioned earlier. I almost fell out of my chair, of course we were ready! It was official, we had a date and a time!


But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. Hebrews 10:36

What's Next?

     Now that we had decided to move forward with the adoption process everything seemed to move very quickly. I immediately thought back to the guest speaker at our previous church and went to that agency's website for more information. As I was looking at checklists and paperwork to be completed, I became extremely overwhelmed. That feeling became more intense when I saw that the next training session was in six days. There was no way that we would be able to get everything together in time to attend the training, we would have to wait three months until the next session. I went to Eric with the bad news, he looked at me and said, "if we are going to do this, let's do it!" So, I signed up and we attended our first twelve-hour training class on October 30, 2010.

     Our first class was extremely eye opening, it changed our minds about everything we thought we knew. We went into it thinking we knew exactly what we had signed up for and exactly what we wanted. We were not even going to consider fostering, we were only interested in straight adoption. After all, it would be way too hard on us to bring a child into our home, fall in love with them, only to have to let them go. One hour into training and our minds had been changed. We went into this wanting to serve and wanting to be the hands, feet, and voice of Jesus for these broken children. What we realized is that we were wanting to do this on our terms. It did not take long for us to understand that, that is not the way it works, we can't say okay God we will do this but we want to do it our way. How can we say no, when we have a loving home to give a hurting child. Ultimately, we want to adopt, we want to give a child a forever home and a forever family. If God gives us a child for a week, a month, or even a year and then they go back to their parents or whomever, we have to know and trust that this is His will and part of His plan. Will it break our hearts? Without a doubt, but, how long is not up to us. All we can do is love and care for them for the amount of time we are given.

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open my eyes to things unseen
Show me how to love like You loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth to eternity"

How it all began...

     Adoption has been on my heart since I was in high school. I'm not sure when I began to think about it or why, but I did. After Eric and I were married we knew we wanted children, it was just a matter of when. I talked to him about how I felt about adoption and we agreed that if we were unable to have children of our own we would adopt.

     Three years after our initial conversation about adoption we had a guest speaker from a local foster care and adoption agency speak to our congregation about the need for more foster and adoptive parents. After church I brought it up to Eric again, and again we agreed that we would definitely adopt if we had to. We talked about it off and on and I would occasionally look at websites to see what we would have to do if we ever wanted to pursue this. After some research I would always end up talking myself out of it.

     As time went on I felt more and more convicted to do something about these babies that needed homes. I prayed about it often but I did not let Eric know how strong my feelings were.  In October of 2010 after months of discussion we decided to try a new church. We had been very happy at our previous church over the past five years but we just felt that we wanted and needed more. We found a new church home and it has been truly amazing to see all of the pieces come perfectly together. Our new church has an amazing love for the orphan and after only two Sundays, God was putting adoption on my heart more than ever. I decided to bring it up to Eric again, I said, "I know we agreed that we would pursue this if we could not have biological children BUT what if we just do it anyway." I was expecting him to say that we should talk about it more, or give it some more thought, but much to my surprise he said, "okay, what do we need to do?" Right then and there I said, "Okay God, I'm listening." I realized that all this time I had been telling Him no. Well, He wasn't taking no for an answer! Once I finally said yes, we will answer your call, He confirmed to us over and over again that this is what He wanted us to do.


Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.   James 1:27

Here we go......

Well, I never really saw myself as a “blogger” but my hope is that by sharing our journey, others will be led to do whatever it is that God is calling them to do.  And if by someone reading this I can help more abandoned and neglected children than I would have otherwise been able to help, then what more could I ask for.  So here we go………