Brotherly Love

Last night I read through all of my previous blog posts and relived our foster and adoption journey, it’s hard to believe that my last post was over a year ago and we had just announced that we were pregnant. Griffin was born in June and we have just been enjoying this phase of life.

 

Just as we have all adjusted and become comfortable in this new phase we received a phone call last week that has shaken everything up. CPS called and asked if we would be interested in taking Lanae and Reese’s biological brother. We have known about him from the beginning, he was born the month before they came to us. He is now two and a half and in CPS custody. I of course was shocked by the phone call and immediately started thinking there is no way we can take in a two year old right now. I called Eric at work and he said the exact same thing, I asked him to pray about it and we could talk more when he got home. I texted two of my girlfriends, called my mom and still had no idea what to do.  I just started to pray, as I prayed the tears started to flow. Eric called back and said, we have to, and all I could say was, I  know. What it really came down to was that all of the reasons we had to say no were about us. If we said no, would we be able to tell Lanae and Reese one day that we turned their little brother away because it was going to be too hard.  No way!

It is very early in the case and we have no idea how it will turn out. We are no longer licensed to foster, we will be taking him in as a kinship placement because he is joining biological siblings. There is a court hearing on Tuesday and we will know more then. We found out today that he is in a shelter so we are all anxious to get him out of there and home with us as soon as possible. I really can’t believe that we are going through this crazy process again, we are following God’s lead and trusting in Him.

 

 

Our Three Little Miracles

I have had this blog post swirling around in my head for three months and I have gone back and forth with whether or not to even post it, but I feel like it is worth saying. So here goes...

 It has been a year and four months since our sweet babies came home and I am now fifteen weeks pregnant. We are over the moon and we know that God’s timing is always perfect. We have just recently started to share our exciting news and Eric and I continue to hear time and time again, “that’s what happens, you adopt and then you get pregnant.” Let me just say I know that everyone who has said this to us means well, I know that. But I can’t help but let it get to me a little.

 People adopt for many reasons and honestly, I am for the orphan so whatever the reason may be doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t think anyone’s reason to adopt is better or more valid than anyone else’s. Our decision to adopt had nothing to do with fertility or lack of it. Adoption was also not a second choice or last resort for us. We feel that God called us to adopt. He began stirring in my heart first and worked on us for several years before we finally listened. As you can imagine we had many conversations in those few years about if we should do this, if so, when, and of course how do we do this. In the beginning conversations, we thought we would try to get pregnant first and see what happened. Well to be perfectly honest I really wanted to adopt and Eric wasn’t quite sure yet so I really wasn’t all that serious about “trying to get pregnant.”

           We ultimately decided to adopt first because I felt that if we had biological children first we would end up not adopting or waiting a really long time before we did. God already knew the children he had for us to adopt and knowing our kids, the best thing for them was to come into a home where they were the only children. The transition has not been easy by any means but I believe it would have been a completely different ballgame if they would have come into a family where they felt they needed to compete for our love and attention. Our family is now in a place where everyone knows where they belong, they know they are loved and as our girl says, “they are stuck like Chuck.” Having a baby gives them another sibling, promotes little man to big brother, and multiplies our love. We do not ever want them to feel that they are loved less or less important to us because they were adopted, we also don’t want them to feel that they were our back up plan, because they weren’t.

 This is the way everything has worked out for our family. Every family is different and every adoption story is different. Children are orphaned for so many different reasons in so many different places around the world. Like all of us, their pasts are all different and they cope with what they have been through in a million different ways. We are so thankful that God knows all of their stories and puts them in the families that are just right for their individual needs. He has blessed us so abundantly already and we could not be any happier for the new addition that will join us in June.

 

 

                                    Merry Christmas from the 5 of us!

 

 

Mama Knows Best

I have a confession, before I became a parent I was one of those non-parents that judged other parents and said things like, “my child will never do that!” and “when we have kids they are going to......blah blah blah.”  I would like to take this moment to apologize for such comments and to say that I totally get it now. Sunday will mark the one year anniversary of the day Lanae and Reese came home. It has been the craziest and most amazing year of our lives, I’m pretty sure we have been through almost every human emotion possible this year. We have had awesome days where we felt like we should write a book or teach a class, and we have had days where we have simply wanted to survive the day and have the strength to start a new one. We are so very grateful for grace, forgiveness, and that God’s mercies are new everyday.

 The most important thing I have learned this year is when you have no idea what to do, pray and go with your gut. Our sweet little Reese has had us constantly looking for answers. At home he plays well with his sister and has pretty typical behaviors for a two year old. As soon as he is in a room with peers he becomes so stressed that he pushes, hits, bites and takes toys. It has taken eleven months but with the help of some amazing people we have come to the conclusion that our little guy has sensory processing issues. I have felt so relieved in knowing that there is a reason for his behavior and there are things we can do to help him.

 As of next week I will be teaching two days a week, since May we have been planning on putting Reese in a mother’s day out program. We felt like he definitely needed the social interaction and we felt he would really benefit all around. A few days ago I started to feel really uneasy about our decision, I just wasn’t sure this was what was best for him. I felt like we were setting him up for failure. We just found out about his sensory issues last month and we have not yet started the therapies to give him the tools he needs to process the things going on around him. After many tears and several long discussions we have decided that what is best for our little man is to get two days of TLC from grandma and grandpa. After a year of occupational therapy we will reevaluate.

 To all of you mamas out there, pray and go with your gut, mama knows best! What works for your best friend’s kid may not work for yours, and that’s okay. We live in an age where there is too much competition and not enough support. Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing that your two year old speaks Latin, but I’m just glad mine goes on the potty!

Death Has Lost and Love Has Won

     This weekend we celebrated a love so deep, a father would give his perfect son for a broken world. I think this kind of love and ultimate sacrifice takes on a whole new meaning once you become a parent. I have a new understanding and appreciation for God’s love for us through the love I have for my children. It is very important to us to teach our kids that the reason we celebrate Easter has everything to do with Jesus and nothing to do with bunnies and eggs. We did the egg thing because it’s fun, but Jesus is the reason and the center of the celebration and we want our kids to know that. As we reflected and celebrated the death and resurrection of our savior this weekend, I spent a lot of time reflecting on our lives and where we were exactly one year ago.   

     Exactly one year ago I was in a place I had never been before. I was in the thick of the deepest sadness I had ever felt in my life. Last year on the Thursday before Easter we were given the unbearable news that the three babies we were head over heels in love with would be leaving us that Monday. We were told to give them a good Easter and prepare to say goodbye (Here's the story.) I was in a place I had never been, I was full of sadness and anger like I had never felt before. Instead of focusing on Jesus and what he had done for me, I was focused on me and why He was doing this to us. One year later, we celebrated Jesus with our precious babies who have our last name and whom we met this same week, one year ago. The truth is, I think about our first babies every single day and I still miss them. I pray for them often, I pray that they are safe, that their needs are being met, and that they are loved. In the middle of our sadness God gave us a glimpse of His plan for us. He showed us the children that would be forever ours that week. He knew we needed time and He gave it to us, He also gave us two more foster babies to love in the mean time, and then when we were ready, He brought them home. (Home Sweet Home)

     I am thankful for the cross and our father’s love. I am thankful for this journey that God has called us to, that He has trusted us with His children and that He has been with us every step of the way. When I couldn’t do it anymore, He carried me and when I said I was done, He gave me reason to keep going.

The Next Chapter

It is FINALLY here, our adoption day is tomorrow!

It feels very surreal that this insane process will be over tomorrow. We will be done with paperwork and visits and able to focus on being a family.

We are thankful to all of our family and friends who have supported us through this journey. We are thankful to God for giving us strength, guidance, and forgiveness. We are forever grateful that He chose us to be their parents. They have had a rough start in life but He has created a beautiful story from the ashes.  

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.     Matthew 14:18  

The Perfect Christmas

            The Christmas season is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love everything about it. For some time now I have had visions (delusions) of our perfect Christmas with our perfect family. None of the lights on our house would be burned out, our tree would be evenly decorated (not just the bottom three feet), our angelic children that are a perfect mix of our best features, would wear Christmas pajamas and unwrap their perfect gifts.  Perfect, right? Not quite, the most beautiful piece of this perfect picture is missing.

            Jesus is not a piece of the story, He IS the story. This will be our first Christmas with our children, because of Him. Two children that look absolutely nothing like either one of us. Two children that are far from perfect, far from angelic, and still very broken. Our sweet girl is five and has lived in this country all five of her years, yet this is her second Christmas. All of the things I once found necessary to make the perfect Christmas, no longer matter.

This Christmas will be perfect because of Jesus. Our babies are no longer orphans, because of Him. We are no longer orphans, because of Him. Pinkalicious has been shelved and our bed time routine is filled with stories of His birth and His great love for us, because of Him.  In her bedtime prayers last night our girl thanked God that her mommy and daddy love her more than candy and she told Him she loved Him more than the sunshine, because of Him.

The lights are on the house, the tree is up, the Christmas cards are ordered and the gifts have been purchased. During this wonderful and special time of the year may we keep our eyes on the most beautiful and expensive gift of all, the One who was, and is, and is to come.

Orphaned and Abandoned

 

You would think that by going from four kids to two, I would have all the time in the world to blog, run errands, clean, and maybe even shower. Ummm, you would be wrong. The honeymoon is over and we are in the thick of messy adoption drama. I cannot even begin to count the times I have said, “I don’t know what we would do if we still had all four.”  A quick update on our foster babies: they are now home with mom and baby brother. I received a text message literally five seconds ago from their mom, with a picture of their precious, smiling faces!

We were given ample “warning” about our girl’s behavior, everything the kids have been through, and several five-inch binders filled with medical paperwork. I placed the binders on a shelf along with all of the insight and advice from our agency, CPS, and the previous foster family. All these kids need is love and permanency, I was not buying in to anything else. We were all happy as clams, no real behavior issues to speak of and she was doing great in school, looks to me like I was right. Well, that lasted for about a month until the bottom fell out and it was time to get real.

I allowed myself to believe that our little guy’s behavior had improved drastically since our foster kids were moved, well duh, there was no one here for him to hit, bite, or push anymore. The issue was not that he was aggressive with us, the issue was with other kids, and the kids he beat up on aren’t here anymore. Don’t even get me started on the tantrums. His behavior has improved but we still have a long way to go. Our princess uses lying as a defense mechanism. For a five year old she is very “street smart.” She had to be, it was her responsibility to take care of herself and her baby brother. Lying is her go to response when she feels she is on the spot. If little brother gets hurt, no matter what happened she assumes she will be blamed, so even if it was his fault she will lie to protect herself. My favorite to date is when she told me that Diamond (her two foot tall plastic horse) hit him. Really, sister? It is exhausting and draining. After she has served her time for whatever offense she has committed, it always ends with her in a ball, on my lap, sobbing, and asking if I still love her and if I will still love her forever. It is a punch in the gut every time and a strong dose of perspective. She does not understand that our love for her is unconditional. In her mind, every time she messes up she is one step closer to the door.  

So, how do we handle it? We choose our battles and assure them of our love, to the point that some days I feel like if I say I love you one more time, I will break out in a big-purple-dinosaur-like song. I find myself saying, "okay, how big of a deal is this really?" It has been a year since we began this process and we thought that everything leading up to this was the hard part; the waiting, the good byes, and the uncertainty. The truth is, this is the hard stuff, parenting them through the brokenness for the rest of our lives is the hard part. We have a lifetime of hurt and abandonment to heal, which is impossible, only God can truly heal their little hearts.