So Many Emotions

There was a court hearing yesterday for little brother and both parents’ rights were terminated. We’re not really sure how to feel about it, our feelings and emotions about him being placed here and now quickly moving toward adoption have not at all been what we expected. I think part of it is that we were not seeking to go through all of this again. Our hearts and minds were not open and waiting for a placement like they were three years ago. We were thrown into the deep end and we’ve just been trying to keep our heads above water.

The other times we have gone through this process we had a period of waiting and then when the kids were finally here we were so happy to have them for however long it would be. To be honest, this time we have felt inconvenienced and for me, actually sad and angry about it. I have mourned what our life was like and future plans we were making that we aren’t sure are possible anymore. All of these crazy feelings have affected my attitude in general and our bond with him. It has been three months and it still feels like we are babysitting, we have not bonded with him the way we did with all of the other kids we fostered, which makes all of this so much harder. We keep saying to each other, don’t worry it will happen, but then find ourselves having the same conversation a few weeks later. After hearing what happened at court yesterday I didn’t feel happy, excited, or relieved, I felt so sad for him and stressed that we have an unthinkable decision to make.

In two weeks I have to take him for a farewell visit and because of circumstances neither one of his parents will be there, it will be a family member that he doesn’t really know and a friend of his mom’s. What in the world! I cannot even begin to make sense of any of this. The only real family he has are his brother and sister which puts us in the most unbelievable situation.

We trust God in all of this and are praying for clarity and for true love and affection toward this sweet little boy. We set out on this journey three years ago because we felt God calling us to it. We have felt Him and had assurance through all of it. We will continue to give it to Him and trust that He will guide us.  

How's it going?

On a daily basis we hear, “How’s it going?” “How’s life with four kids?” “Has everyone adjusted?” In the interest of time our answers are, “We’re good!” “We’re all adjusting.” “It’s busy!” So here’s the truth, it’s HARD! It has been by far the most difficult thing we have done, harder than any placement we have ever had.

 

Two weeks in we quit. We all quit. I called the caseworker and told her we feel terrible about this but you need to find another place for him. The fighting between he and Reese was like nothing I have ever seen, it was constant, aggressive and loud. I felt like I wasn’t giving anyone what they needed. I was breaking up fights, putting kids in time out, trying to teach a two year old how to be in a family all while either holding a baby or letting him cry in his jumper. Lanae started having issues at school and at home old behaviors we had worked through were coming back. Everyone was struggling and we felt like he needed to be in a family without other kids or with older kids so the focus could really be on him. We tried and it was too much.

 

As hard as I tried I could not find peace in our decision. I prayed so desperately to have peace about it, for God to let us know that this was the right decision and it just wasn’t happening. I was so torn. Every time I looked at his little face I wanted to cry and sometimes I did. As I was wrestling with myself over this a sweet friend texted to see how we were doing. I laid it all out for her and she offered to take on so much of it for us and she said she would pray for God’s will to be clear so that we would have peace. That was it for me, I knew that He was telling me to keep going but I didn’t want to. I knew He would get us through this, but I was done. I felt like my life had been hijacked and I wanted it back.

 

It’s been a little over a month and little man is still here. We recommitted and have already seen growth all around. We realized that we were expecting way too much out of everyone. This little guy went from being an only child to one of four and he came from a home without stability or structure. We gave Reese a little brother eight months ago and now we’ve given him another one. He has to share his room, his toys, his clothes and his family. That’s a lot to ask of a four year old, especially overnight.

 

It is still hard but we feel like we have turned a corner. Some days are harder than others but at this point there are more good days than bad.

 

Brotherly Love

Last night I read through all of my previous blog posts and relived our foster and adoption journey, it’s hard to believe that my last post was over a year ago and we had just announced that we were pregnant. Griffin was born in June and we have just been enjoying this phase of life.

 

Just as we have all adjusted and become comfortable in this new phase we received a phone call last week that has shaken everything up. CPS called and asked if we would be interested in taking Lanae and Reese’s biological brother. We have known about him from the beginning, he was born the month before they came to us. He is now two and a half and in CPS custody. I of course was shocked by the phone call and immediately started thinking there is no way we can take in a two year old right now. I called Eric at work and he said the exact same thing, I asked him to pray about it and we could talk more when he got home. I texted two of my girlfriends, called my mom and still had no idea what to do.  I just started to pray, as I prayed the tears started to flow. Eric called back and said, we have to, and all I could say was, I  know. What it really came down to was that all of the reasons we had to say no were about us. If we said no, would we be able to tell Lanae and Reese one day that we turned their little brother away because it was going to be too hard.  No way!

It is very early in the case and we have no idea how it will turn out. We are no longer licensed to foster, we will be taking him in as a kinship placement because he is joining biological siblings. There is a court hearing on Tuesday and we will know more then. We found out today that he is in a shelter so we are all anxious to get him out of there and home with us as soon as possible. I really can’t believe that we are going through this crazy process again, we are following God’s lead and trusting in Him.

 

 

Our Three Little Miracles

I have had this blog post swirling around in my head for three months and I have gone back and forth with whether or not to even post it, but I feel like it is worth saying. So here goes...

 It has been a year and four months since our sweet babies came home and I am now fifteen weeks pregnant. We are over the moon and we know that God’s timing is always perfect. We have just recently started to share our exciting news and Eric and I continue to hear time and time again, “that’s what happens, you adopt and then you get pregnant.” Let me just say I know that everyone who has said this to us means well, I know that. But I can’t help but let it get to me a little.

 People adopt for many reasons and honestly, I am for the orphan so whatever the reason may be doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t think anyone’s reason to adopt is better or more valid than anyone else’s. Our decision to adopt had nothing to do with fertility or lack of it. Adoption was also not a second choice or last resort for us. We feel that God called us to adopt. He began stirring in my heart first and worked on us for several years before we finally listened. As you can imagine we had many conversations in those few years about if we should do this, if so, when, and of course how do we do this. In the beginning conversations, we thought we would try to get pregnant first and see what happened. Well to be perfectly honest I really wanted to adopt and Eric wasn’t quite sure yet so I really wasn’t all that serious about “trying to get pregnant.”

           We ultimately decided to adopt first because I felt that if we had biological children first we would end up not adopting or waiting a really long time before we did. God already knew the children he had for us to adopt and knowing our kids, the best thing for them was to come into a home where they were the only children. The transition has not been easy by any means but I believe it would have been a completely different ballgame if they would have come into a family where they felt they needed to compete for our love and attention. Our family is now in a place where everyone knows where they belong, they know they are loved and as our girl says, “they are stuck like Chuck.” Having a baby gives them another sibling, promotes little man to big brother, and multiplies our love. We do not ever want them to feel that they are loved less or less important to us because they were adopted, we also don’t want them to feel that they were our back up plan, because they weren’t.

 This is the way everything has worked out for our family. Every family is different and every adoption story is different. Children are orphaned for so many different reasons in so many different places around the world. Like all of us, their pasts are all different and they cope with what they have been through in a million different ways. We are so thankful that God knows all of their stories and puts them in the families that are just right for their individual needs. He has blessed us so abundantly already and we could not be any happier for the new addition that will join us in June.

 

 

                                    Merry Christmas from the 5 of us!

 

 

Mama Knows Best

I have a confession, before I became a parent I was one of those non-parents that judged other parents and said things like, “my child will never do that!” and “when we have kids they are going to......blah blah blah.”  I would like to take this moment to apologize for such comments and to say that I totally get it now. Sunday will mark the one year anniversary of the day Lanae and Reese came home. It has been the craziest and most amazing year of our lives, I’m pretty sure we have been through almost every human emotion possible this year. We have had awesome days where we felt like we should write a book or teach a class, and we have had days where we have simply wanted to survive the day and have the strength to start a new one. We are so very grateful for grace, forgiveness, and that God’s mercies are new everyday.

 The most important thing I have learned this year is when you have no idea what to do, pray and go with your gut. Our sweet little Reese has had us constantly looking for answers. At home he plays well with his sister and has pretty typical behaviors for a two year old. As soon as he is in a room with peers he becomes so stressed that he pushes, hits, bites and takes toys. It has taken eleven months but with the help of some amazing people we have come to the conclusion that our little guy has sensory processing issues. I have felt so relieved in knowing that there is a reason for his behavior and there are things we can do to help him.

 As of next week I will be teaching two days a week, since May we have been planning on putting Reese in a mother’s day out program. We felt like he definitely needed the social interaction and we felt he would really benefit all around. A few days ago I started to feel really uneasy about our decision, I just wasn’t sure this was what was best for him. I felt like we were setting him up for failure. We just found out about his sensory issues last month and we have not yet started the therapies to give him the tools he needs to process the things going on around him. After many tears and several long discussions we have decided that what is best for our little man is to get two days of TLC from grandma and grandpa. After a year of occupational therapy we will reevaluate.

 To all of you mamas out there, pray and go with your gut, mama knows best! What works for your best friend’s kid may not work for yours, and that’s okay. We live in an age where there is too much competition and not enough support. Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing that your two year old speaks Latin, but I’m just glad mine goes on the potty!

Death Has Lost and Love Has Won

     This weekend we celebrated a love so deep, a father would give his perfect son for a broken world. I think this kind of love and ultimate sacrifice takes on a whole new meaning once you become a parent. I have a new understanding and appreciation for God’s love for us through the love I have for my children. It is very important to us to teach our kids that the reason we celebrate Easter has everything to do with Jesus and nothing to do with bunnies and eggs. We did the egg thing because it’s fun, but Jesus is the reason and the center of the celebration and we want our kids to know that. As we reflected and celebrated the death and resurrection of our savior this weekend, I spent a lot of time reflecting on our lives and where we were exactly one year ago.   

     Exactly one year ago I was in a place I had never been before. I was in the thick of the deepest sadness I had ever felt in my life. Last year on the Thursday before Easter we were given the unbearable news that the three babies we were head over heels in love with would be leaving us that Monday. We were told to give them a good Easter and prepare to say goodbye (Here's the story.) I was in a place I had never been, I was full of sadness and anger like I had never felt before. Instead of focusing on Jesus and what he had done for me, I was focused on me and why He was doing this to us. One year later, we celebrated Jesus with our precious babies who have our last name and whom we met this same week, one year ago. The truth is, I think about our first babies every single day and I still miss them. I pray for them often, I pray that they are safe, that their needs are being met, and that they are loved. In the middle of our sadness God gave us a glimpse of His plan for us. He showed us the children that would be forever ours that week. He knew we needed time and He gave it to us, He also gave us two more foster babies to love in the mean time, and then when we were ready, He brought them home. (Home Sweet Home)

     I am thankful for the cross and our father’s love. I am thankful for this journey that God has called us to, that He has trusted us with His children and that He has been with us every step of the way. When I couldn’t do it anymore, He carried me and when I said I was done, He gave me reason to keep going.

The Next Chapter

It is FINALLY here, our adoption day is tomorrow!

It feels very surreal that this insane process will be over tomorrow. We will be done with paperwork and visits and able to focus on being a family.

We are thankful to all of our family and friends who have supported us through this journey. We are thankful to God for giving us strength, guidance, and forgiveness. We are forever grateful that He chose us to be their parents. They have had a rough start in life but He has created a beautiful story from the ashes.  

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.     Matthew 14:18